So we all know those moments when we have moments of rupture in relationship. It could be with a partner, our child, our boss, the neighbour, a friend. Conflict happens because we are all different humans, with different ways of looking at the world.
As we navigate the complexities of our relationships, it’s not uncommon to find ourselves caught in a cycle of conflict.
Conflicts can generally fall into a bit of a pattern in relationships, something that is called a “negative feedback loop.”
This term describes a pattern where one partner’s behaviour or reaction triggers a response pattern in the other partner. This partner’s reaction then triggers the first partner to react too. This creates a predictable “dance” between them.
In therapy I will often work with couples to track what their “dance” is.
Understanding this concept can be the first step toward breaking free from these patterns and fostering healthier communication.
So, what does this look like in practice?
Imagine a scenario where one partner feels stressed and they become distant as a result. Their distance is interpretted by their partner as rejection. The “rejected” partner then reacts by criticising. This then motivates the already distressed partner to retreat further and this further retreat, incites more criticism from the partner who feels alone and rejected.
Each persons behaviour then reinforces the reactions of the other.
Often these conflicts can end up in a finger pointing exercise that sounds a bit like “well i wouldn’t do x if you weren’t making me feel y” and the cycle continues in this way. Before you know it, you’re both trapped in a loop that feels impossible to escape.
But here’s the good news: recognizing this pattern is key to breaking it.
Here are some practical tips to help you navigate and avoid the negative feedback loop in your relationship:
- Pause and Reflect: When you feel a conflict brewing, or a conflict has kicked off, take a moment to pause. Notice how your body feels. Notice what the vulnerable feeling is that sits underneath your reactive thoughts or behaviours. Speaking from that more vulnerable place can be the difference between an escalation that creates disconnection and an opportunity to reset and reconnect.
- Taking responsibility for “my bit” – Being able to take responsibility for the parts of the argument that you have contributed can disarm the other person. It can create an invitation for them to do the same. Also notice how the way you express yourself may influence the way the other person is reacting. See if you can course correct.
- Use “I” Statements: Instead of pointing fingers, express your feelings using “I” statements.
For example, say “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always make me feel…” This approach reduces defensiveness and fosters understanding. - Take Breaks: If things start to heat up, it’s okay to take a break. Use this time to reflect on your feelings and approach the conversation with a clearer mind.
- Practice generosity with your Listening: Make a conscious effort to listen to your partner’s perspective without interruption. This can help them feel heard and understood, which may diffuse tension and encourage more productive dialogue.
- Set Boundaries: Know your limits. If certain topics trigger conflict, establish boundaries around them. This doesn’t mean avoiding difficult conversations, but rather approaching them when both partners are ready.
- Seek Support: Sometimes, it can be beneficial to involve a neutral third party, whether it is a friend, a family member or a therapist to help facilitate communication and break the cycle of conflict.
Remember, it’s normal for couples to experience conflicts, but how you navigate them can make all the difference.
Recognising the predictable “negative feedback loop” can be invaluable. Each time you notice it happening, just slow it all down and try the steps above. It can be a game changer that allows you to create a more harmonious relationships with those you care about.
Wishing you the best as you work towards healthier connections.
Warmly on Wednesdays!
Mel
