Have you been in moments in relationship when you and your partner find yourself in a conflict that feels like a tug of war?
One person tells it like it IS and the other person responds with “yes, but…” and then they tell it like it REALLY IS? And back and forth it goes.
Welcome to today’s dose of wisdom.
Today we are talking about:
So conflict is completely and utterly normal in relationship. The only way to avoid it is if you are in relationship with a carbon copy of yourself.
Humans are different from eachother. That is what makes the world interesting. It is also what can make relationships feel hard at times.
Often in therapy a couple will come in and have very different perceptions of the same event. I will watch them argue back and forth about the details.
There is ALWAYS the moment when one person starts with “yes, but…” and there is always multiple sides to the same scenario.
The trick in relationship is really accepting that there is more than one version of every story and that there is no “ultimate right.” Each person’s version of events is their own experience, through their own eyes and minds, of what happened and how it made them feel.
It is not necessarily THE truth, it is THEIR truth.
The key to release partners from a stuck conflict is for each person to step out of holding the position they think is right, to softening and considering the other vantage points of the same situation.
Moving from “Yes, But…” to “Both/And”
In practice this would sound like moving from:
“This is the way it DID happen and you are wrong for thinking otherwise”
“From where I am looking at it (XYZ happened) and I can also see that from how you see it, (ABC happened) and so how do WE tackle it taking into account the different ways we each saw it?”
Do you want to be right or do you want to stay in your relationship?
This is the moment to expand, become more generous and be able to consider how the situation may look if you were in the other person’s shoes.
If you find that this is a stuck place for you, book a session and in the safe, contained space of therapy we can work through the stuck spaces or hot potato topics in your relationship. I have some spaces opening up on a Saturday starting in February for the next few weeks if that could suit you both.
Warmly on Wednesday,
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